Sleepless Roads

Title: Sleepless Roads
Rating: PG
Fandom: Smallville
Pairing: Chlark
Spoilers/Timeline: AU, post-Cure
Disclaimer: I own very little, certainly not these characters. Please don’t sue!
Author’s Note: Something of a character study prompted by the progression of emotions in AM’s expressions in my favorite scene from Cure that morphed into a smidge of wish-fulfillment. Written just after that episode aired, so pure AU.

---

“You’ll forget me.”

It’s all over, and she can’t get that shocked, crushed look on his face out of her head. How can he not comprehend what a gift forgetting would be?

If she could forget Clark Kent, she wouldn’t be sitting on the story of the century while her cousin stumbles across everything she’s worked her whole life to achieve. She wouldn’t be protecting Lana Lang Luthor when she has enough dirt to send the woman to jail almost as long as her ex-husband.

She wouldn’t be watching the man she loves play house with a murderer because it makes him happy.

If she could forget him, she wouldn’t have given up the only man who actually did love her because she knows it’s just a matter of time until he chooses the pretty Kryptonian over the meteor infected freak. After all, it was Clark Kent who taught her that no one will ever choose Chloe Sullivan.

She can’t forget, so she curls up in her bed and lets her frustration slide down her face, sobbing as loud as she wants. Clark is far too busy with Lana and his cousin to keep an ear out these days, and Lois is blessedly chasing down the sordid details of a celebrity DUI.

At least she can grieve her life in pieces. For once, she doesn’t have to be the strong one.

She’s sobbing and shaking with rage, and she wonders idly whether this is the first step toward insanity, because it feels a little freeing to let it all go. She has worked so hard at the façade for so long, she forgot how much lay underneath.

After what feels like an eternity, the tears slow. She’s hiccupping from sobbing so hard, and she feels like she might just drop off to sleep for the next year, but she’s lighter than she’s felt in months.

That’s when she hears someone else sniffle.

She still aches from the sobs that wracked her body, so she doesn’t expend much effort in peeking over the comforter.

Of course it would be him.

There he stands, dressed in his standard fare, tears making their way silently down his cheeks. There’s nothing to be done, so she scoots away from the end of the bed, and nods for him to sit.

Their combined sniffles fill the silence for a while. She’s almost drifted off to sleep when he speaks.

“Did you really want to forget, Chloe?”

“More than anything.” She croaks.

He must not have expected the answer because he looks like she just kicked his puppy. “Has my secret taken so much from you?”

“Clark, it’s never been what you are that hurt me.” It’s who you are.

She can’t say the words.

“I could talk to Jor-El. See if he knows a way.”

It’s the second time in one night she’s been offered an out by a man obviously expecting her not to take it. She’s not above charity, and she’s so very tired of waiting.

“I’d like that. Thank you.”

The horror in his silence is deafening.

“You didn’t think I meant it, did you?”

“I-I guess I just thought…”

“Clark, I know it doesn’t look that significant from where you’re standing, but my life is falling apart at the seams.” She’s tired and angry and too worn out to put up the filters for him. Just once, she’s going to be honest. “It’s not your fault - I know that - but you’re one part I can’t take anymore. Not on top of everything else.”

His mouth sets in a hard line. “This is about Lana.”

She has to laugh. “Isn’t everything for you?” She lets that sink in a beat. “No, Clark, this isn’t about Lana and what I may or may not know about her. It isn’t about the fact that you two were playing house long before the divorce was final, or even your willingness to ignore who you are and waste away on a farm for the next half-century. In the end, it’s just about me.

“I’m tired. You have Lana and Kara and your Martian friend. Lois has the Planet, and I’m pretty sure Jimmy will have Kara before long. You don’t need me anymore. I don’t have much of me left, and I’d like to sneak away with as much as I can while here’s something left to save.”

“What happened to you, Chloe?”

“I died, Clark. Ever wonder where I was? What I saw? Ever think to ask? I was yanked back from the only peace I’ve ever known into a world that didn’t miss me much.”

“That’s not true and you know it.”

“Do I? How, exactly? By the way Lois went out of her way not to take my dream job? The way Jimmy refrained from tripping all over himself around Kara? Or maybe I should be able to tell by the way you’ve shown so much attentiveness in the last two months? Please. You only took notice when I was too busy to act as your personal search engine.

“I? Died. And all that gets is a recommendation for a checkup from you and a demand for explanations from Lois. Why am I the only one this seems ridiculous to?”

“I told you I’d be there for you.”

“And when would you find time for that? When you’re playing sibling rivalry with Kara, or banging the former Mrs. Luthor into next week? We’ve seen each other a handful of times in the last two months, and every time has been because you needed help.”

“You asked me not to come see you at work.”

“I don’t live there.”

“But Lana…”

“Don’t even finish that sentence. Just go home and let me know when you’ve talked to Jor-El.”

“Chloe, we…”

“No, Clark. We had a good run, but I won’t spend my life hiding in the shadows every time something more sparkly comes along. It’s nobody’s fault. These things just happen. Help me or don’t, but I am moving on.”

--

The next time she sees him, it’s nearly Thanksgiving. She’s got her application in to the Gotham Gazette, and is starting to pack up the knickknacks she won’t need for her last month at Met U.

At least he has the decency to knock this time.

She opens the door for him, and stares expectantly.

“I, uh…brought coffee. Your favorite.”

“I quit, actually.”

“You…what?”

“I decided a fresh start ought to come with less strings attached. If I can kick that habit, I figure I can go without anything.”

“So you’re still…”

“Yeah. After Christmas.”

He shuffles his feet a bit.

“Why are you really here, Clark?”

“It’s Lana. Something happened, and I don’t know who else to talk to.”

“Clark?”

“Yeah?”

“Call your mother.” She goes back to wrapping up the last of her mugs.

“I don’t…I don’t understand what I did, Chloe.”

“That’s because this isn’t about you.” She says simply, still not looking up from her packing. “I said it before. It’s about me.”

“Why do I get the feeling that’s the same line you fed Jimmy?” He sounds pissy.

“So what if it is? The lines of our friendship have always been a bit blurry, Clark. You shouldn’t be so surprised.”

“If this is about your power, I want to help.”

“Clark, be realistic. You don’t have time to help. Besides, I’ve been getting all the help I need.” She finally turns to look at him, and the surprise on his face is almost comical. “I’m not running away from my power. I have been dealing with it. I’m in an impossible situation at work, not to mention slightly pathetic on the social front, and this move will give me the chance Grant and Lois and Lana and - if I’m honest, you - never will.”

He looks a little…lost. God she hates the puppy dog eyes.

“Chlo, this last month…I can’t lose you.”

She doesn’t enjoy hurting him. “Sometimes it’s not your choice, Clark. You don’t need me.”

“You’re wrong.”

“No, I’m not. You have Lana, and Lois will still be in town if you feel the need to breathe some news ink.”

“But they’re not you.”

“I’m not that special. Lana knows your secret and seems to have developed a talent for sniffing out trouble. She told me how she found Kara’s crystal.”

“You two stayed in touch?”

“We’re best friends. Why wouldn’t we?”

“She never said anything. You haven’t kept in touch with me.”

“And you haven’t called. Lana did.”

“I thought you were mad.”

“God, Clark. You really don’t get it, do you? Contrary to popular belief, the world does not revolve around you! Mine used to, but I grew out of it.”

He’s quiet for a minute. When he speaks, it’s so low she almost misses it. “What if I haven’t?”

Her jaw nearly hits the floor. “Come again?”

“One thing I’ve discovered in the last month; it’s how much you mean to me.”

“See, what’s funny about that statement is that it didn’t strike you in the two months before then. Or, say, after I died?”

“It did, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was a little busy then, Chlo.”

“So was I.”

“We’ve been best friends since we were 14. Are you really willing to throw away seven years of friendship?”

“I’m not throwing anything away, Clark. It’s not like we can’t still be friends if I’m a few states away. We just…can’t be what we are. You know those blurred lines we never talk about?”

“I guess.”

“Well I need focus. That kind of focus comes with distance.”

“So it is me.”

“No. It’s still me. You made it clear from the start how you don’t feel about me. And you’ve never wavered on that point. I’m the one who can’t seem to deal.”

His nostrils flare, and his features set in determination. “That’s not entirely true. I told you, you mean more to me than you know.”

“I know you care, Clark, I…”

He wheels on her.“No…you listen to me now, damned it!”

She’s shocked into silence, her mouth gaping an aborted protest.

“Fuck! I have done everything, everything I could think of to keep you safe. Why couldn’t you just stay put? Just let me figure things out without running off to get into new danger where I can’t protect you! Do you have a death wish?”

“No, I…”

“Yes, you do. You always have, and you never freaking compromise. You’re constantly putting yourself in the line of fire, which is so much worse than Lana, and if Lex ever figures it out we are both so screwed…Hell, the whole world is screwed if he figures it out…”

“Clark, what are you talking about?”

“You, Chloe. It’s you. It’s been you almost as long as I’ve known you, but it’s worse now.”

“I’m not following...”

“My weakness.”

“Kryptonite?”

“I wish. You really have no idea, do you?” He laughs mirthlessly. “At least I’ve convinced one person. I’m terrified Lana’s already got it figured out. I can’t touch her. I’ve been trying to use my powers as an excuse, but she’s commented a few times at how close we’ve always been.”

“Still confused here.”

“Lex got involved with Lana because he thought she was the one thing I couldn’t live without. I almost gave away the truth before I’d figured it out myself. It was the phantom that finally showed me what would happen if I lost you.”

He looks up and she hates that her stomach does a back-flip.

“I was a mess, Chlo. I just…gave up.”

What does a girl say to that?

“When it happened for real last summer, it was worse. I completely lost it.”

“So, you expect me to believe that’s why you completely ignored me and moved in with your ex? Because you couldn’t be without me?”

“Lex hasn’t bothered you lately, has he?”

“Actually, he seems to drop by weekly these days.”

In a nanosecond, he’s gripping her shoulders tightly. “What! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“First? Ouch. Self healing does not mean unbreakable, buddy. Second, what would make me think you cared to know?”

“I’ve been keeping an ear out, and every time your hear rate spikes, it’s just Grant or Jimmy.”

“So? Lex doesn’t scare me.”

“He would if you were smart.”

“And who needs help using Google? Oh that’s right. You do.”

“Funny. Has he said anything?”

“Same old song and dance – What are you? Where is Kara really from? Did I know there’s a room in 33.1 with “CS” embroidered on the towels? He really needs to find some new material.”

“I’m going to kill him.”

“No, you’re not. Want to know why? Because Clark Kent doesn’t kill people, even evil BFFs like Lex Luthor. And he’s certainly not going to kill over Chloe Sullivan. It’s…unnatural. Not to mention a little freaky.”

And yeah, this is just a smidge uncomfortable. It’s like an alien just waltzed in and flipped reality on its ass. Oh wait…that’s exactly what happened.

She shakes her head. This can’t possibly mean… Her brain is all jumpy and it wants to assign impossible reasons. She breathes deep and backs away.

She’s drawn to the window she loves to watch on rainy mornings, her hand reaching out to caress the smooth pane. It’s odd, this peace that has settled upon her. Like she’s finally free, and it’s okay.

She’s reminded of the brand of freedom she tasted at the end of the summer. Maybe it followed her home and only just caught up with her.

“Chloe.” It’s a whisper - almost a prayer - and it’s so wrong to have the most powerful being on the planet begging for mercy.

“I’m sorry. This isn’t…” She closes her eyes, starts again. “You’re confused, Clark. You’re going to leave Lex alone - protect Lana, and I’m going to Gotham. It’s for the best.”

“Whose best, Chlo? You said you couldn’t let go - neither can I. You know my biggest secret now. Why can’t we work this out?”

“Everyone’s! Don’t you see? You kept the wrong secret. If you really cared, you wouldn’t have let me stumble along all this time, hurting me every time you had a chance. That’s not love. It’s selfishness. I won’t hang around making you less of the hero I know you can be, Clark Kent.”

“But you’ve always made me better. Always pushed me to be more than I am.”

“And look where that’s gotten you. You’re living with a woman whose marriage you helped disintegrate and… Are you saying you’re no longer in love with her?”

“I’m saying I’m not sure I ever was, really. She stole $10 million and has this creepy obsession with taking Lex down. I doubt I ever really knew Lana.”

“Clark, you’re confused.”

“No, I’m not.” His hands cover hers, and he looks a little wild; a little desperate. “Please, Chlo. I’m not confused, and for the first time, I’m not hiding anymore.”

His stare is so intense she has to fight the urge to look away.

“I…” He takes a breath. “I love you, Chlo.”

Hope blooms. It’s quickly squashed in self-defense. She shakes her head.

“You don’t…you can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because, that isn’t how the story ends. Clark Kent doesn’t pick Chloe Sullivan. He just…doesn’t.”

“Yes, he does. He did a long time ago.”

“He never told anyone.”

“He was scared.”

“So is she.”

“God, Chlo.”

Strong arms draw her in and his lips find hers with bruising intensity. It’s hard to think, to breathe, and for this moment, she could care less.

---

End