One to Grow On

Title: One to Grow On
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Smallville
Pairing: Chlark, Clana
Spoilers/Timeline: AU, diverges just after S7 “Wrath”
Disclaimer: I own very little, certainly not these characters. Please don’t sue!
Author’s Notes: A little angst. AU just after “Wrath.” Bizzy’s been sent packing, Grois is still on, and Kara never disappeared. Lyrics are from “You Got Growing up To Do” by Joshua Radin.

--
I've been down this road before.
I walk out the door, leave you on the floor.
Sometimes you run and hide -
Your foolish pride’s what keeps me from giving you more.
So the best thing I can give to you is for me to go, leave you alone.
Cause you got growing up to do.
--

She’s gone.

It’s a sunny Tuesday afternoon, and you haven’t been exposed to any Kryptonian germs in over a year, so the dizziness seems a bit out of place.

You plop into a wheeled office chair, reeling in shock and trying to think up an intelligent response to your companion’s flippant inquiry.

“Well, Smallville? What part of ‘no longer works here’ don’t you understand?” Guilt shifts behind Lois’ eyes, and you know there’s more to the story. There always is.

“Where?” Okay, so it’s not intelligent, but you have to know.

“How should I know? All I got was a note by the phone and a half-empty closet.”

“Wait. How did she pack without you noticing?”

“I…stayed the night with a friend. Your cousin said she left last night. Ask her where she went.”

Still slightly dizzy, you stumble out of the building. You’re behind the Talon in seconds.

Kara has a bit of a superiority complex, but she’s still a 19-year-old girl far from home. The few friends she has – Lana, Lois, Chloe, and Jimmy – mean the world to her, so you try to control your reaction to her pride that she managed to keep Chloe’s secret all day. It’s the smug look as she hands you the card that undoes you.

“I think it’s funny.”

“What’s funny?”

“That you would react this way to something Lana did for your relationship.”

Dread fills you. “What does Lana have to do with this?”

“She helped Chloe get settled in her new life. They said it was best for everyone this way.”

You swallow thickly, and open the card. It’s one of those cheesy black and white pictures of children. You can see why she picked it.

The boy is staring at a little girl walking by, dressed in her Sunday best, while the tiny blond seated beside him on the steps stares at him. You’re beyond pretending not to see the meaning behind it.

With shaky fingers, you open the card.

Clark,

I’m sorry if you don’t understand why I’m leaving. There are a lot of reasons, but it all boils down to the fact that I need a fresh start.

Lana’s right. If I can’t be part of the solution, I need to stop torturing all of us by repeating myself. You’ve made your position on the topic clear, and I respect your right to trust her.

I wish you all the happiness in the world. Look in on Lois if you have time. I’m worried about the direction she’s headed, too.

Always,

Chloe

You fold the card and carefully return it to its envelope before looking back at Kara. She’s staring at you with a puzzled expression.

“Are you okay?”

“No, Kara, I’m really not. Where is she?”

“Ka-lark, they made me promise. She begged me herself. You’re the one who taught me how important integrity is. I won’t betray my friend.”

And there it is. Kara obviously understands more about friendship than you do, so who are you to judge?

The world is still on tilt, but you let it ride for months without fighting it. You figure it’s the least you deserve for what you said to her when she tried to question your girlfriend’s intentions after you ousted your doppelganger.

All she did was voice your own fears, but you weren’t ready to face them, so you drove her off.

Spring has come and gone by the time you figure out why Lois wasn’t invited to the party. It’s the scandal of the season when it comes out that the Daily Planet’s Editor-in-Chief was Lex’s plaything. It nearly trumps the fact that he was sleeping with his top reporter.

She goes to stay with her sister in Germany within a week of the news breaking.

You’ve never been very good at putting yourself in someone else’s shoes – that was always more of Chloe’s territory, anyway. But you find yourself making more of an effort these days, just to feel closer to her.

You try to imagine what those last few months must have been like for her. Trying to find a cure to her infected status, losing Jimmy to Kara, losing her friendship with Lana trying to protect you, and, in the end, seemingly losing your friendship because she voiced her concerns for your safety.

You hope she’s found better friends, wherever she is. Goodness knows it can’t be hard to beat the old set.

This morning while Lana worked in the garden, you sat on the porch steps and stared at the empty space beside you, willing your little blond friend to reappear. You swear you wouldn’t ignore her if you had another chance.

Then you caught Lana staring at you thoughtfully, so you went inside to make some lemonade.

--
Looks like the rain’s pouring down on me – it’s drowning me now.
And all I want is to come back home.
And this old corduroy coat, it’s not keeping me dry,
but I can't think of what else to try.
That's why the best thing I can give to you is for me to go, leave you alone.
You got growing up to do.
--

It’s the strangest thing. You saw Chloe only a handful of times after you and Lana moved in together – you were lucky of you talked a couple of times a week. So why, now that she’s gone, do you constantly find yourself turning to someone who isn’t there to share some ironic observation?

You’re not looking for Lana at your side these days, though she’s still there, regarding you carefully.

The two of you barely talk about anything meaningful anymore. It’s as though you’ve run out of conversations. Take away the secrets and lies on both sides, and it doesn’t seem like you have much to say.

Lana leaves. She says she needs to be the one who goes, before you grow so far apart you hurt each other. You can’t dredge up much of an argument to that.

Weeks pass, and you feel as empty as the farm is now that Kara has moved into Lois’ old apartment. You both go through the motions, monuments to something that once was.

With Lana gone, you have nowhere left to hide, and you wonder if that’s not what you feared most in the first place.

You lease out the farm, and find a new way to hide. You travel under the guise of your father’s training, but you know you only suggested it as a way to look for her.

You’ve been scanning the crowds for a tiny blonde, so you forget to hide your shock when you run across a sleek brunette at a tea house in London. You only noticed her because she was gaping at you.

She collects herself quickly, and tries for a hasty exit. She doesn’t look surprised when you block her path.

She’s lost some of the softness you once knew, but you recognize the pain that lines her eyes. The kindness is still there, too.

“Clark.”

“Chloe.” You try to match her even tone, but your voice breaks. You’re terrified.

“You look…well.”

“I-uh, I am good, uh, well.” You lie, bold-faced. “What about you? You look…amazing.”

She narrows her eyes at the compliment. “I’m doing okay. Busy… You know how it goes.”

“Yeah, me too. Busy, busy.” Now you’re just rambling like an idiot.

“What are you doing here, Clark?”

“Me? Oh, I’m just doing some traveling. My, um, father thought a little travel might be the best way to start my education, if you know what I mean.”

She relaxes a bit at that. “Yeah. It sounds better than going straight to school up North.”

You suddenly notice her glance past you, a little fidgety. “How long are you in town?”

“Not sure.”

“But you’ll be here a couple of days?”

You’re planning to rent a flat tonight, now that you realize this is your destination. But you figure that might tip your hand too early. “At least.”

“Good. We’ll have to catch up.” She fishes in her purse for a card and pushes it into your hand. Now her attention is firmly behind you. “Um, call me, and we can plan something. I…uh…have to be going now.”

She practically dashes in the opposite direction, and it’s not until two thugs try to bowl you over going after her that you realize it wasn’t just being seen with you that had her so jumpy.

You knock the thugs out with taps to their heads and sweep her off her feet. The two of you are in the countryside in moments.

“Well,” she gasps. “That’s one way to take care of the situation, I suppose.”

She wiggles a little. You take the hint and put her down gently. It’s been almost a year since you were this close to her, and the urge to hold on is hard to fight.

She backs away as if she can sense your thoughts, turning and taking a few steps.

“Why are you really here, Clark?”

“I needed to find you.”

“I’m fine. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“I could tell by the guys chasing you.”

“I could have handled them okay. I’ve gotten pretty good at defending myself.”

“You were always good at that.”

“Not good enough.”

“What do you mean?”

“A lot’s happened in the last year.”

“In Smallville, too.”

“I can only imagine.”

She sits on an ancient stone retaining wall, and you don’t resist the tug toward her side. The silence between you speaks volumes.

“You left.”

“I did.”

“Why?”

“Didn’t Kara give you my card?”

“She did.”

“I tried to protect you from everything for so long I forgot to protect myself. We weren’t good for each other any more.”

“That’s not true and you know it.”

“Don’t lie to yourself.”

“Fine. Maybe I wasn’t good for you, but you always made me better.”

“Aw, that’s so sweet. Is this where I cue the Barry Mantilow music?”

“Seriously, Chlo. I’m a mess without you.”

“And I’m a mess with you. What does talking about it accomplish?”

“Is it bad that I just want to hear your voice?”

“Probably, if you ask Lana.”

“Lana left.”

“Ah, now I get it.”

“What?”

“Why you’re here. Why you were looking for me. You miss your back-pocket girl.”

“I…”

“Clark, I lied to myself for years. I’m not going to let you lie to me now. You always knew I was there waiting, and yet you chased after every skirt in sight right in front of me. There literally wasn’t a girl you met you didn’t flirt with, except me.” She looks you squarely in the eyes. “I deserved better.”

“You’re right and I’m sorry. That doesn’t change the fact that you made me a better person. You showed me how to be a hero, with or without powers, and I’m lost without you.” You feel naked, and realize this is the first time you admitted any of that out loud.

“Don’t say things like that. Not now.”

“Why not now?”

“Because it’s taken forever, but I’m finally better. I’m finally okay. I have a life here and I won’t jeopardize that to protect you again.”

For some reason, it doesn’t surprise you. What does shock you is that the dizziness is back. It shouldn’t hurt this bad that she found her own happiness. That she doesn’t want you back in her life when you feel like you’re breathing for the first time in a year, just being by her side.

She stands. “I think you’d better take me back.”

“Okay.”

“You’re not going to leave, are you?” She sounds tired.

“I can’t, not yet. I’m sorry.”

“I get it. I do.” The sadness in her eyes feels a little like kryptonite exposure. “Just…please try to understand.”

You pick her up, and revel in the way time seems to slow when you run. Holding her feels like sunshine after months of rain, and you bask in every nanosecond of the trip back.

When you set her down in an alley near the teahouse, a shiver runs through you. It feels eerily like the goodbye you’re not willing to give her.

She gasps when you press your lips to hers, your tongue seeking entrance. A jolt of pure heat runs through you when she responds in kind, tangling a hand in your hair. Salty tears mingle with your kisses, and you’re really not sure who they belong to; maybe both of you.

Confusion whirls as pain lances through you. Suddenly you’re on your knees at her feet.

“I’m sorry, Clark.” She whispers through the tears. “I’m so sorry. I just, I can’t do this again. Please, don’t look for me.”

Her face crumples in grief as she backs out of the alley, leaving the glowing green rock just out of reach. You breathe through the fire in your chest, rocking back so you fall to a sit and trying with every ounce of willpower to back away.

When you can finally draw a breath without doubling over, the betrayal washes over you in waves stronger than the kryptonite. You finally let yourself weep for all the chances you blew.

--
Someday I'll return when it’s time for payment in kind.
The church bells will chime.
You’ll stand before me surrounded by lights, dressed in white.
You’ll throw flowers in the air this night.
But the best thing I can give to you is for me to go, leave you alone,
You got growing up to do.
--

End